Monthly Archives: February 2015

The Mirror

Author, Chandler Esslinger

Author, Chandler Esslinger

When is the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean really looked at yourself in the mirror? Stood butt ass naked in front of the mirror and were completely honest with your reflection? Stared at yourself for so long you didn’t even recognize your body anymore? You stare. And you stare. And you stare. Are you uncomfortable? Do you not like what you see staring back at you? Are you staring at your flaws? Or are you basking in the glory of your own perfectly imperfect perfection?

It is in these moments that I choose to love myself. I stand butt ass naked in front of my mirror every day and stare. This is a ritual I started a little over a year ago, shortly after I penned my blog post about my own struggle with body image. I realized that I needed to embody the words I wrote. I challenged myself to love myself more and more everyday. So, each morning I stand in front of the mirror and I let my emotions cascade over me. I want to understand myself, completely. I want to know every part of my body. I no longer wish to hide it, to cover it, to run from it. I choose to look at myself head on, unflinching, relentless. And I choose to love myself.

I still don’t have a perfect relationship with my body. Sometimes I feel bloated and disgusting and would rather not think about the 8 beers I had yesterday and the subsequent pepperoni, black olive, and jalapeño pizza I ordered. Sometimes nothing in my closet looks right, even though I have worn this exact same outfit half a dozen times. Today it is not right. Sometimes I feel guilty because I haven’t seen the inside of a gym for, well, a long time. And maybe if I started working out again my thighs wouldn’t jiggle, my arms would be more toned, and my stomach would lay a little flatter. Sometimes I wonder if I would look more proportionate if I got a boob job.

But most days, I look at myself in the mirror, and I am damn proud to have the body I have. I force myself to acknowledge the spots I would rather not think about, and I actively choose to love them. Even when I don’t want to. Even when I don’t think I can. I decided that people who say nasty things to me about my body can literally go fuck themselves because, how dare you? I eliminate toxic friends, lovers, and peers who do not make me feel like the best version of myself, because I respect myself too much to not be respected by others. Whenever I receive compliments about my appearance, I always say “thank you” even when that little voice in the back of my head wants to say “lol I haven’t showered in three days,” or “yeah but my eyebrows really need to be waxed,” or “nah, the shading on these jeans is just hella good.” And I consider all of these things to be little personal victories. Because I am choosing to empower myself. To love. To appreciate. To value.

In so many ways, self-love is the most radical act of all. We are all constantly bombarded by messages that reinforce our inferiority complexes. We beat ourselves up about the tiniest imperfections. But what are imperfections anyway? Would you consider those “imperfections” to be such if no one had ever told you they were “imperfections”? Who first told you that you weren’t beautiful? That your middle was a “muffin top” and not just your stomach? Who told you that your breasts/butt/penis/etc. was too big/small? Who the fuck told you that? Because, fuck that nonsense. And fuck anyone or anything that tries to convince you that bullshit is true.

I am not here to tell you that you are perfect the way you are, that is for you to figure out on your own terms. I am here to convince you that you deserve to love yourself. I am here to tell you that you can love yourself and still acknowledge things you don’t like sometimes. I am here to tell you that it is a constant struggle to love yourself, but it’s worth it. So I ask you again, what is more radical than self-love?

I’ve noticed a lot of positive changes in myself since I decided I deserved to love myself. Probably the most notable difference is the fact that I feel like an active participant in my own life, instead of the not-as-pretty quirky best friend to the main character. I feel like I can go after whatever I want, because dammit, I deserve it. I deserve to chase my goals. I owe it to myself to do so. And when I choose to love myself that is just one less battle I have to fight every second of every day. I don’t have to be my own worst enemy. Plus, it frees up a lot of brainpower that I can channel into reaching those goals of mine. And that’s pretty damn powerful if you ask me.

So, dear reader, I challenge you and your body to make up, once and for all. I know you’ve had a complex history, and maybe you don’t trust yourself just yet. But I challenge you to stand in front of your own mirror, butt ass naked in the morning, and stare. Don’t look down. Meet yourself in your own eyes and mentally trace your reflection. Head on. Unflinching. Relentless. Let your emotions cascade over you. Understand your entire canvas. And just when you think you can’t stare at yourself for a second longer, remember to love yourself unapologetically, unconditionally, and unabashedly. Because, trust me, you deserve it.

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Are you there MSUM? It’s me, Chandler.

 

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Change is brewing on Minnesota State University Moorhead’s campus. The imminent renovation of the Comstock Memorial Union is a great chance to give MSUM a much-needed update, and will also attempt to provide the student body with increased support, space, and opportunity on campus. Proposed concurrently with the CMU renovations is the creation of a “mosaic center”, a center that would serve as a combined community space for all safe spaces on campus. This center for the diverse student population would consolidate the Women’s Center and Rainbow Dragon Center (our LGBTQIA+ space) on campus as well as integrate the international student population. The center would also house director’s offices for such entities like the Office of Diversity and Inclusion, the Women’s Center, the Rainbow Dragon Center and other diversity offices on campus. On paper, providing a community space for the diverse student population sounds like a great idea, and in many ways, it is. It appears that the goal of the “mosaic center” is to champion diversity on our campus, while also fostering community, understanding, and collaboration amongst diverse students, campus organizations, faculty, and staff. However, the caveat to the creation of this “mosaic center” is that it would eliminate the few purposefully autonomous safe spaces available on our campus, notably the Women’s Center and the Rainbow Dragon Center. Let me be clear in saying that I am NOT anti-mosaic center. I believe this space is necessary to support diverse students on campus and promote inclusivity, understanding, and fellowship amongst the entire campus. However, my contention is that this space would not provide diverse students with the safe, autonomous spaces they need in order to feel secure and supported at a university that can be hostile towards diversity. The administration argues that the Women’s Center and Rainbow Dragon Center would endure because of the existence of their director’s offices within the mosaic center, however the safe autonomous spaces in and of themselves would not be present within the center. This, in effect, abolishes any kind of safe space available to students, faculty, and staff at MSUM. To quote my favorite professor, when a single, autonomous drop of water falls from the sky and lands in the ocean, it is no longer an autonomous drop of water, it has become consumed by the ocean. It can no longer be identified or separated from the ocean since it has lost all autonomy. This is evocative of the way safe spaces will be integrated into our campus; the intentional autonomy and safety of these spaces will be taken away and consumed by the ocean. I cannot and will not agree with the elimination of these spaces.

I have had patience. I have had faith. I have had dialogues, discussions, and “casual collisions”. I have spoken. I have listened. I have tried to understand every point of view. But I can no longer in good conscience idly wait for the university to recognize the deleterious effects the consequences of their actions will have on students at MSUM’s campus. But before I get to that, lets discuss what I mean when I refer to the Women’s Center and the Rainbow Dragon Center as safe spaces on campus.

“Safe space” refers to the centers available to students with marginalized identities, be it race, gender, sexuality, class, ability, religion, etc. Each space has an intentional purpose. For example, the Women’s Center provides support, resources, and community to women specifically, but also to those of all genders, sexual orientations, etc. who wish to be free from the oppression of the patriarchy, if only for a moment throughout their day. The Women’s Center is a purposefully feminist space that works to dismantle everyday sexism, racism, homophobia, classism, fat-shaming, ableism, ageism, victim-blaming, and general hatefulness that exists (yes, it exists) on our campus. It provides diverse students the opportunity to be unapologetically themselves without the fear of derision, prejudice, judgment, microaggressions, or violence. The Women’s Center provides resources, community, and support to those affected by sexual assault, domestic violence, sexual harassment, and other forms of violence against women, which occurs every single day in our community (yes it does). This kind of identity security can only be fostered in a safe, autonomous space like the Women’s Center or the Rainbow Dragon Center. These necessities cannot be recreated in a collaborative student space such as the mosaic center, and the rest of campus cannot possibly provide these same resources due to its lack of intentional focus on these issues. Trying to do so would fail our student’s needs. This denial of our specific needs in favor of a larger community space does not reaffirm our identities. It relegates us the same, it silences our voices, and it renders us invisible. It would allow individuals to slip through the cracks. To drop out of school. To tumble into depression. To sacrifice their lives.

If these claims sound melodramatic to you, then you do not understand the lived realities of the students on our campus. The strength it takes for them to get out of bed everyday and face a world hostile towards their identity. To navigate a society that may never truly appreciate them the way they are. To live to fight another day when it would be much easier not to. I hear it, I see it, I feel it every day at MSUM.

I hear it from the students who have such horrific interactions with other students and faculty who do not respect their identity that they descend into pits of anguish, despair, and self-hate.

I see it in the side-glances, the double takes, the smirks, the laughs, the crude gestures, the casual objectification, and the outright harassment of men, women, and non-binary individuals in the hallways.

I feel it in the constant reminders from administration that I don’t know what is best for my peers and myself, even though we embody their theories, their rhetoric, and their diversity goals every single day of our lives.

We are not your numbers, we are not your graduation rates, we are not your tuition fees, we are not your diversity checkboxes. We are human beings with lives that intersect with each other, that intertwine with our experiences on and off campus, and that inform our self-worth. Instead of merely acknowledging the differences that inform our identity and “celebrating” those differences in the name of championing diversity, we need support for those differences, and for the specific needs that come along with those differences. We need our autonomous spaces, our chosen families, and our safe communities.

With all of this in mind, I ask for your support. You can be our biggest ally, our fiercest support system, and we desperately crave that relationship with you. We know you want what is best for us, to support our differences, and to provide us “the opportunity to discover [our] passions, the rigor to develop intellectually and the versatility to shape a changing world.” We have the motivation, the ambition, and the fearless desire to give every student at MSUM the tools to thrive. In order to do that we need you to acknowledge our need for autonomous safe spaces and for relentless support and pride. So please, reflect and decide what is more important to you. Is it to listen to, support, and care for the lived realities of the diverse students on our campus? Or is it to relegate us as the same under the banner of diversity, to silence our voices, and to render us invisible? Until then, I will continue to have patience and faith. I will continue to relentlessly fight. And I will not be silent.

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